I’ve been exhausted the past two days which would be a reason for a lack of a post for a day, but I have not missed one day of my love dare. I’ve completed day 28 of 40, and although I thought I’d feel worse off based on the course of events, I feel rather comfortable. Here is a summary of day 27 followed by today:
Love encourages – day 27. Today was about encouragement. Too often we are quick to break down our partner and chastise them for not living up to a certain level. A great quote to counter that was, “You must choose to live by encouragement rather than by expectations.” I struggle with this just as much as the next person, however since starting this journey, I’ve been able to let go of expectations. I’ve begun to let God take care of things and not expect what I want. In turn, it has allowed me to stay a little more even, except with the rare occurrence to throw me off. Another reminder was Matthew 7:4-5 which talks about not judging someone with a speck in their eye when you have a log in yours. So true. I’m committed to letting Rachel explore things right now, even though she wants a divorce so that I don’t create expectations and that any hurt won’t inhibit my choosing to love her and be her biggest supporter. On a bright note, no papers were filed today. How that changes over the next few days, I do not know.
The first dare required me to eliminate the poison of unnecessary expectations inside the home and to apologize for being so hard on them and promise to try and understand. Here is the first thing that came to mind.
“I’m sorry for expecting too much of our relationship right now. I have have nightmares of you being with another man. I will see to understand what it is you feel and I will continue to love you unconditionally, whether you want me or love me in return.”
Today was a decent day overall with rough patches all around. In an eerie dream, I relived all aspects of my wedding day and evening, the trip to Palm Springs the next day including the stops made, and the honeymoon itself. Everything was a photographic imprint and accurate to the t. It was pretty cool overall to be able relive that, but it was sad as well since it involved having thoughts about hope, happiness, and love and then dealing with such difficult things now. The day was worse as I bumped into the rear end of a car on the way to work, causing my hood to buckle. That’s gonna be a $400 mistake at least. I didn’t tell Rachel since I didn’t think it was important and, to be honest, I didn’t think she’d care so much other than be scared while imagining Haylee in the car. Work went well, although I had some problems staying focused on tasks and not dwelling on my relationship.
Today, day 28, was about loving by making sacrifices. It was about giving up selfish acts in order to satisfy or fulfill your spouse. This was a touchy one as I’ve been selfless and struggle seeing Rachel so selfish. Maybe it is what she needs to grow and in God’s plans. I do not know. I will continue to have faith in the process and continue to love Rachel. The dare asked what one of Rachel’s greatest needs was and if I could lift any of those things by making a sacrifice. I believe Rachel’s biggest need is Christ right now, but I did text her (so impersonal unfortunately) to ask her if I could help her in any way. I didn’t hear too much back from her today except for an emphatic stop after telling her I love her. It’s the truth and she will continue to hear it. I’m looking forward to these final weeks and to continuing this process whether Rachel chooses to be together or not. I cried one last time while thinking about my daughter and how much I love her and how much she means to me. I only hope that Rachel loves her and showers her with as much affection as I feel. It is heartbreaking, but I will get something worked out soon so that I can take Haylee more and cherish our time spent. Until next time…