Today begged the question: How well do I know my mate? Based on my thoughts for the day, I figure I know her ok now, but I knew her better before. I have a hard time understanding what makes her tick these days and what it is that is holding her back. I don’t know her thought process the way I used to. I have to think back to the first day and exercise patience with these things as it can be frustrating at times to not understand the depth of her feelings. Is it because she doesn’t really want to be with me? Has she fallen out of love (I’ll touch on that in a minute). Is she still fond of the other guy? Does she have aspirations to simply be alone? I realized that I need to ask more questions in order to regain intimacy. Discussing things will open the door to become closer.
My dare for today involved going to dinner. I was a little saddened that Rachel was overwhelmed or overscheduled and didn’t have time and she didn’t feel any desire. Getting Haylee a sitter was an issue to her as well, but that could’ve been handled quickly and efficiently. I had many questions written down (cheesy?) but was unable to ask them. I rescheduled for Tuesday so hopefully we can enjoy an evening then. I feel like much of our distance is due to us not hanging out, especially individually. If we lived together, we could at least talk after Haylee went to bed but the circumstances make it difficult. I will just remain hopeful that we can spend more time together and hopefully I can get to know Rachel even more. I continue to feel more love and compassion for her everyday and look forward to the day she feels and experiences all of this love.
On the way to work, Rachel and I had a detailed conversation and it occurred to me that she does not know me that well anymore. She doesn’t understand or know how much I love her. She isn’t aware of my heart and what my intentions are. I shared with her that I love her unconditionally. I even shared with her information about the love dare and how love isn’t determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to be loved. She still didn’t understand. Has she fallen out of love with me? I mentioned love isn’t conditional based on our qualities and that if you love someone, you don’t give up. If you give up, you never loved them unconditionally, but rather conditionally since you are choosing to not make any attempts for the future based on past actions. Unconditional has no strings attached. This whole conversation made for a good exercise as I am trying to further our relationship and get to know the finest ins and outs of her personality and mindset and she is not at a place currently to recriprocate those things.
Overall, today was still positive as we continue to converse and I get to love her another day.