Today’s dare was about me again. It had to do with recommitting myself to God and all that He has to offer, including His love. We cannot project true love without Him. He allows us to project agape love, which is unconditional love, because He is the only one who can allow that type of love. Throughout this process, I’ve been able to reconnect with God. After having been distant for so long, I have now been striving to develop a deeper relationship with Him. He has allowed me to be everything each dare asks: patient, kind, loving, etc. I couldn’t and wouldn’t be where I’m at today without Him.
Today was a struggle for myself with Rachel. I had a wonderful day playing with Haylee and watching her, but it sucks that I cannot do that every day and that Rachel ultimately holds the power amongst the choice to be together or not. When I shared my feelings, I was rebuked and told not to share my desire to kiss her and hold her. She continued by telling me she didn’t think we should be together. Why then does she continue to resist making a decision to divorce me and go through with the process? She stated she didn’t know and didn’t want to regret it. Life is full of choices and regrets. Rachel rarely makes a tough decision to even know if it was a regretful choice or not. I’m not certain she ever will make a decision on whether to be together or not. My mind says she will only make a decision when she is forced. That day may be coming as she stated her parents will be moving by the end of March. I don’t want her to be with me because of circumstance, but rather because she wants to be with me. I feel that if her parents do move and she chooses to keep living with them, it will force me to let go of this relationship. I will not quit or give up, but I will cease to put any additonal energy into it. I will continue to love her unconditionally as I’ve learned, but I will put my love and effort into Haylee as I know she will be affected for the rest of her life and I want her to know she is loved tremendously. At times I feel Rachel is being extremely selfish. Even though she states that she cares about me, she continues to look at what is best for her. I don’t feel she really cares about me. She would make me feel differently and cared for if she asked how I was doing daily or how my day was going. She doesn’t care about my desire for a relationship and she definitely doesn’t care about the marriage enough at this point to make some tough choices or work on it. She has quit and you can’t care about something that you give up on. She mentions that she doesn’t want me to be sad, but it’s beyond that. God will comfort me. I will love Haylee and find comfort. If she doesn’t want me to be sad, then she will end this relationship if it is over before she continues to let it drag out any further. I will be sad if we divorce, but I have found renewed strength in God and I know that I will be ok, or even better than ok, if things went that direction. God provides my happiness through Him and He will provide either Rachel as a loving wife to me, or He may provide someone else, who exemplifies His standards and looks to be more Godly and wants that for their life and ultimately is looking out for the family as a whole and knows God will provide. Not someone who is interested in their own desires.
I told Rachel about this blog. I’m not sure if she will read it, but she now knows about it and possibly the love dare. This will not change things. I will continue to exercise my love for God and allow Him to work in me to continue to develop me into a loving man. I will also continue on this journey for the next 20 days as I know it will continue to transform me into the Godly person that God desires. I figured revealing the blog would show Rachel just how happy and far along I am. She says she wants me happy, but if that were the case, we’d be living together now and she’d be sharing herself instead of standing back. My greatest hope is that she’d find a renewed spirit in Christ.
Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and I had made dinner plans and it turns out that Rachel is not interested in being alone so I will cancel the dinner plans. I believe I will be spending my time alone at the gym or asleep and I will continue to pray that God touches her heart and that He continues to work within me. It is God that comforts me and I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me.