Today’s dare signals only 2 weeks left in my process. Each day seems to bring more contentment towards my heart with my love towards Rachel and my family, but each day seems to be more difficult with her responses. Today was such a day. I had an amazing day playing with Haylee as we went to breakfast, to the park, the mall, and played at my mom’s house. Throughout the day, I sent Rachel little pictures and updates and didn’t do a whole lot to engage. I also referenced nice housing and things like that. It wasn’t until Rachel picked up Haylee that I just felt a lot of anger towards myself. Rachel told me that she wants a divorce plain and simple. That comment was followed up later in the evening by a text confirming that she was going to file papers tomorrow. I cried when seeing that comment. I would lie if I said it didn’t affect me because it did tremendously, even up to the point of writing this blog entry. I am saddened that Rachel feels that is her only option. I am hurt that she has given up not only on me a year and a half ag0, but on the marriage and a family for Haylee. Selfishly, I’m upset that I will not be intimate with Rachel any more and there is a possibility that she may connect with another person. Gone is any assurance that she would choose to be faithful to me. I can only hope that she is through the process. I am not questioning God as He ultimately will bless me in one way or another, but I am curious as to what His plan is. All I pray for and ask God is protection over Haylee and compassion for Rachel. If all of this does happen, Haylee’s view of marriage will be damaged. No longer will it be something pure, but it will be something that is always an option as she moves forward in life. I never imagined I’d get divorced. I feel like a bit of a failure that it would even occur, but I know that I am doing my best to be Christ-like and be the man that Christ envisioned I be when He blessed my parents with me.
My readings main focus was to not judge and to seek forgiveness, somewhat similar to yesterday. However, it did add the idea of looking in the mirror and to ask Rachel for forgiveness for my shortcomings and faults. I have many faults that I have expressed to Rachel, but it is good to admit them on paper and I will continue to do the same with God. Some of these faults include selfishness – I chose independence over companionship for far too long, anger – I didn’t control myself when difficult situations arose and I let my emotions control me, I didn’t fulfill my husband obligations that God called me to do, and I haven’t followed a Christ-like model until things became a little more challenging and thankfully God is always there to welcome us home and love us unconditionally. I have many faults and I put them out there for others to see. With these faults, I am just happy that the Lord gave me a renewed sense of self to become the man I always could be and should have been. Hopefully Rachel eventually sees that and finds that true happiness is found in God and that He will bless us if we are together.
“Love doesn’t make excuses. Love keeps working to make a difference – in you and in your marriage.”
Romans 2:1 “When you judge another, you condemn yourself, since you, the judge, do the same things.”
The Dare: Take time to pray through your areas of wrongdoing. Ask for God’s forgiveness, then humble yourself enough to admit them to your spouse. Do it sincerely and truthfully. Ask your spouse for forgiveness as well. No matter how they respond, make sure you cover your responsibility in love. Even if they respond with criticism, accept it by receiving it as counsel.