Today’s dare was about me again. It had to do with recommitting myself to God and all that He has to offer, including His love. We cannot project true love without Him. He allows us to project agape love, which is unconditional love, because He is the only one who can allow that type of love. Throughout this process, I’ve been able to reconnect with God. After having been distant for so long, I have now been striving to develop a deeper relationship with Him. He has allowed me to be everything each dare asks: patient, kind, loving, etc. I couldn’t and wouldn’t be where I’m at today without Him.
Today was a struggle for myself with Rachel. I had a wonderful day playing with Haylee and watching her, but it sucks that I cannot do that every day and that Rachel ultimately holds the power amongst the choice to be together or not. When I shared my feelings, I was rebuked and told not to share my desire to kiss her and hold her. She continued by telling me she didn’t think we should be together. Why then does she continue to resist making a decision to divorce me and go through with the process? She stated she didn’t know and didn’t want to regret it. Life is full of choices and regrets. Rachel rarely makes a tough decision to even know if it was a regretful choice or not. I’m not certain she ever will make a decision on whether to be together or not. My mind says she will only make a decision when she is forced. That day may be coming as she stated her parents will be moving by the end of March. I don’t want her to be with me because of circumstance, but rather because she wants to be with me. I feel that if her parents do move and she chooses to keep living with them, it will force me to let go of this relationship. I will not quit or give up, but I will cease to put any additonal energy into it. I will continue to love her unconditionally as I’ve learned, but I will put my love and effort into Haylee as I know she will be affected for the rest of her life and I want her to know she is loved tremendously. At times I feel Rachel is being extremely selfish. Even though she states that she cares about me, she continues to look at what is best for her. I don’t feel she really cares about me. She would make me feel differently and cared for if she asked how I was doing daily or how my day was going. She doesn’t care about my desire for a relationship and she definitely doesn’t care about the marriage enough at this point to make some tough choices or work on it. She has quit and you can’t care about something that you give up on. She mentions that she doesn’t want me to be sad, but it’s beyond that. God will comfort me. I will love Haylee and find comfort. If she doesn’t want me to be sad, then she will end this relationship if it is over before she continues to let it drag out any further. I will be sad if we divorce, but I have found renewed strength in God and I know that I will be ok, or even better than ok, if things went that direction. God provides my happiness through Him and He will provide either Rachel as a loving wife to me, or He may provide someone else, who exemplifies His standards and looks to be more Godly and wants that for their life and ultimately is looking out for the family as a whole and knows God will provide. Not someone who is interested in their own desires.
I told Rachel about this blog. I’m not sure if she will read it, but she now knows about it and possibly the love dare. This will not change things. I will continue to exercise my love for God and allow Him to work in me to continue to develop me into a loving man. I will also continue on this journey for the next 20 days as I know it will continue to transform me into the Godly person that God desires. I figured revealing the blog would show Rachel just how happy and far along I am. She says she wants me happy, but if that were the case, we’d be living together now and she’d be sharing herself instead of standing back. My greatest hope is that she’d find a renewed spirit in Christ.
Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and I had made dinner plans and it turns out that Rachel is not interested in being alone so I will cancel the dinner plans. I believe I will be spending my time alone at the gym or asleep and I will continue to pray that God touches her heart and that He continues to work within me. It is God that comforts me and I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me.
So day 19 was a relatively simple day. The dare will require some additional thought as I think about dare’s that were difficult. The dare basically asked me to think of dare’s that I had trouble with and if I felt I needed God. Of course I need God. I’ve been praying and turning to Him every day. There is no way I can do this on my own. I don’t feel I had too much difficulty with any dare as I know my heart is in the right place and I’m committed to knowing what true love is and what Godly love is and I’m committed to providing that to my wife. The difficulty lies with continuing each dare every day and including it into one complete dare called marriage.
The one thing I learned from today, is that no matter what, I’m incapable of providing unconditional love on my own. Unconditional love is something that God must provide through me. I will continue to pray that God works through me to continue to show unconditional love for Rachel.
For interactions today, Rachel and I only communicated through text and a little by phone. I slept most of the day due to exhaustion and to avoid the pain from a certain area that shouldn’t feel pain. Rachel acted loving and concerned for my health and appreciated it and felt that she really did care. I expressed I wished she was there to comfort me in a new apartment and she responded with we’ll see what happens. Still a sign of non commitment, but I know that is how she always makes decisions so I will continue to love her and support her regardless. I’m interested to see what the halfway point brings tomorrow as it’s been 3 weeks already.
Today begged the question: How well do I know my mate? Based on my thoughts for the day, I figure I know her ok now, but I knew her better before. I have a hard time understanding what makes her tick these days and what it is that is holding her back. I don’t know her thought process the way I used to. I have to think back to the first day and exercise patience with these things as it can be frustrating at times to not understand the depth of her feelings. Is it because she doesn’t really want to be with me? Has she fallen out of love (I’ll touch on that in a minute). Is she still fond of the other guy? Does she have aspirations to simply be alone? I realized that I need to ask more questions in order to regain intimacy. Discussing things will open the door to become closer.
My dare for today involved going to dinner. I was a little saddened that Rachel was overwhelmed or overscheduled and didn’t have time and she didn’t feel any desire. Getting Haylee a sitter was an issue to her as well, but that could’ve been handled quickly and efficiently. I had many questions written down (cheesy?) but was unable to ask them. I rescheduled for Tuesday so hopefully we can enjoy an evening then. I feel like much of our distance is due to us not hanging out, especially individually. If we lived together, we could at least talk after Haylee went to bed but the circumstances make it difficult. I will just remain hopeful that we can spend more time together and hopefully I can get to know Rachel even more. I continue to feel more love and compassion for her everyday and look forward to the day she feels and experiences all of this love.
On the way to work, Rachel and I had a detailed conversation and it occurred to me that she does not know me that well anymore. She doesn’t understand or know how much I love her. She isn’t aware of my heart and what my intentions are. I shared with her that I love her unconditionally. I even shared with her information about the love dare and how love isn’t determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to be loved. She still didn’t understand. Has she fallen out of love with me? I mentioned love isn’t conditional based on our qualities and that if you love someone, you don’t give up. If you give up, you never loved them unconditionally, but rather conditionally since you are choosing to not make any attempts for the future based on past actions. Unconditional has no strings attached. This whole conversation made for a good exercise as I am trying to further our relationship and get to know the finest ins and outs of her personality and mindset and she is not at a place currently to recriprocate those things.
Overall, today was still positive as we continue to converse and I get to love her another day.
I have been taking the Love Dare journey for 17 days now and I am almost half way finished. I decided now would be a good time to start logging some thoughts and reflections for not only myself, but for me to share with my spouse, Rachel, when the time is right. Here are highlights of my journey so far and I will continue to update daily.
I love my wife now more than I can remember. I am falling in love all over again. The first day was so simple, yet so powerful. I was to not mention anything negative to my spouse. Not only did I feel obligated to be respectful and not say negative things, but I tried to eliminate negative thoughts and even tried to abstain from using words or phrases that might be construed as negative. I love this and have continued this dare since I’ve started.
“When you choose to be patient, you respond in a positive way to a negative situation.”
“It is a choice to control emotions rather than allowing emotions to control you.”
On one day, I made a cd for Rachel and thought to place it in the car on her ride to work. I loved making the cd and it was a dare to be thoughtful. I believe she continues to listen to it so I hope she enjoyed it.
Love is not determined by the one being loved, but rather by the one choosing to love!
I love my wife. I had an amazing time in San Diego with Rachel and Haylee. We enjoyed intimate moments and wonderful family times. I didn’t want to leave that place and it ended way too soon. I melted when Rachel laid her head on my chest. It was a feeling that has been void for some time now. The image and feeling is still fresh to me.
Lastly, I’m looking forward to my date night tomorrow with Rachel to just enjoy her company. I never thought something could reinvigorate me the way this dare has and I love every second of choosing to love my wife without expecting anything in return. I look forward to every moment shared with her and all the time I spend with our wonderful daughter
Now that we’re caught up, to be continued…